angular cheilitis

a poem on my struggle

image from otseex on pinterest

angular cheilitis: inflammation and small cracks in one or both corners of the mouth

plump lips, thin lips, fat lips, thick lips
i couldn’t give a damn which one i had as long as they were normal
hydrated and peachy with some dryness from time to time
a wish i’ve made every 11:11
a wish that was never once answered

medications and ointments
slather thickly onto the horrendous patches of red
surrounding, encroaching, destroying
a path of mottled scars is left behind
a path of utter destruction

multiple dermatologists are at a loss
unsure of what to make of this absurdity
even seeking professional help did nothing
i won’t ever escape this hell

no one understands
the pain of looking in the mirror every morning
the circle of red
like lip liner colored outside the lines

no one understands
constantly checking my reflection in school
recoiling because
is that really what my classmates are looking at?

no one understands
the late nights spent crying under the covers
stifling sobs and tears
that soak into my pillow
the only remnant of my sadness
until that too disappears

the itching the burning the stabbing the cracking the bleeding the breaking the swelling the falling and all i get is more

more pain more weight more more more

the lonely island grows farther from shore until even the sand goes beyond my line of sight

giving up is my only option, an option that shouldn’t exist

you once seemed so fixable
now i don’t know whether tomorrow will bring another ring of despair or a torturous cloud of depression that makes me conscious until i can’t breathe

even now as i look into the mirror
i no longer see the girl that once loved life with all her heart
all i see is the destroyed ruins that the mountain of red has piled onto her
crushing her under the ruining slabs of unbearable stone

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i wrote this poem late at night one night after this condition came back yet again. i cried really hard in the dark, because i couldn’t understand why it couldn’t just go away. this is a really vulnerable aspect of myself i rarely share with others. i often keep it a secret because i don’t know if anyone can relate. hope you guys enjoy this piece, and my first poem! i’m still battling it right now, and i don’t know for sure if it’s completely gone yet. i can only hope!

with love,

hannah