In relation to my previous post, I think I’ve figured myself out. Partially.
I have avoidant attachment. No, I didn’t lose feelings, and no, I don’t like that other guy. I’m simply avoidant.
“Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style where individuals are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, highly value independence, and may struggle with trusting others and forming close relationships.” That’s me!
When things started getting real, I started getting scared. I’d never let anyone in my life in this way before, and as it got closer to actually letting him in, I started to pull away. Despite all my daydreams and desires for a relationship, when the real thing finally started surfacing, I realized that I was simply just a girl. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, of letting others care for me when all my life I’ve been trained to take care of myself.
I hate showing my emotions, my raw ones. I hide my vulnerability to the best of my ability, and have only cried in front of friends twice (and these were in front of people I truly love and trust). I never admit I’m feeling unwell or unhappy when I am, and just shove it down and care for others. I guess the truth is that I’ll feel useless and conceited if I ever show any of my actual emotions. Pick me, if you will.
There’s something daunting about revealing a sacred part of yourself to a person, trusting them. Even if they’re a good person, it’ll always be difficult to open up that part of yourself. I’m still struggling to rip through the tape of my tightly sealed box, carefully scraping away at it with my fingernails. Using scissors is for wimps. Time is key.
But he is good to me. He makes sure I’m okay when I’m not, and checks on me when I’m trying to hide my vulnerability. He sees through me, and that scares me. Nobody really knows how I truly feel most of the time, but I think he has the emotional intelligence and also the desire to care for me that he sees it most of the time. I think it’s time I embrace myself and let myself leak a little bit. The balloon is about to burst with all the water I’m holding. He’s willing to catch the drops, and I think I should finally let someone do that.
I’ll also communicate with him about my avoidant attachment one day, if we ever progress into anything more. If I know him to be the way I do, I think he’ll understand. He’s a good guy.
with love,
hannah
rooting for you as someone with the same problem! <3